Tom Elliott:
The problem is that most of us aren’t good at everything. In fact, most of us are lucky to be good at just one thing. And you can get out into the broader world after you become an adult and realise that all those things your parents said to you aren’t actually true. I’ll be honest, I tend to be more of a realist with achievements by my child, then I get told off for that. Our next guest is a childhood adolescent psychologist. Clare Rowe, good morning.
Clare Rowe:
Good morning, Tom. How you going?
Tom Elliott:
Well, I’m good. So, I know it’s common these days that you want to make kids feel positive and empowered and all these sorts of things. So, whatever they do you say, “That is fantastic. That is so wonderful. It’s going straight to the pool room,” all that sort of thing. Is that actually a good idea?
Clare Rowe:
Well, I think like most things in the world, and certainly in parenting in the last 20 years, the pendulum has swung too far. So, I wrote about that this week, and I think that there will be parents out there who disagree with this. But I do wonder why parents tell their children, “You’re so great at that. You’re the best at that,” when they’re clearly not. There’s a saying I have which is, “Not every drawing belongs on the fridge.” And that’s okay. That’s all right. And I think that sometimes honest praise matters more than constant praise. And I don’t think the kids need to believe they’re the best at everything. I think they need to believe that they can keep improving and we can keep working at that thing. And that everyone has… Every kid I’ve never met has strengths in somewhere, but that doesn’t mean they’re the best at everything. And that’s okay.
Tom Elliott:
But then, again, as they get older at school they can tell that other kids in the class might be smarter or quicker than them. Or if they play a sport that there’s always one boy or girl who can kick the ball further than the others. I remember a friend telling me, he’d seen Lachie Neale as a little boy kicking the football around, or Jagga Smith who plays for Carlton is another one. And it was clear they were going to be superstars. At a young age they were that much better than the other kids. So, certainly if your child is playing with them and realises that they are simply better, your child or the child would know this, wouldn’t they?
Clare Rowe:
Well, I think children are surprisingly good at detecting insincere praise. I think praise is very powerful when it’s earned. And I’m certainly not saying we don’t praise kids when they do a great job, and certainly for effort. But if everything is amazing, I think kids will pick up on that. Or when they get out into the real world and they think they’re amazing and they think they’re the best at everything, well, they’re going to get a rude shock. And part of this I was writing this week is also about kids wanting to be an elite at sport, but not really realising that takes thousands of hours. You’ve still got to put the effort in. And if you’re going to tell a kid, “No, you’re the best at this,” it kind of robs them of that drive to go and put that work in. If you’re already the best, why do that? And I think we’ve perhaps confused confidence with competence. Everyone wants their kid to be confident, right? But you can’t just give kids confidence by telling them they’re great. Real confidence has to be earned, and it comes from doing hard things.
Tom Elliott:
Well, this is true. And we see it a bit in here. We get a lot of young graduates of various schools of journalism and media and business communications, and that sort of thing. They turn up here, and they turn up thinking they know everything. And some of the more vocal ones try and tell people like me what we should be doing, and that sort of thing. It takes them a little while, usually about six months, then they realise they actually don’t know everything. In fact, they know very little. And possibly a lot of the study has been a waste of time anyway. But it’s giving them this sense of confidence. I have this degree, I’ve done well. I can go into work and I can tell older, more experienced people what to do because I have my degree. And I think a bit of that needs to be knocked out of them. Well, not physically knocked out of them, but you know what I mean.
Clare Rowe:
Yeah, no, absolutely. I think parents should stop trying to build confidence necessarily directly. Build competence instead. Confidence is just the natural byproduct of that. But, yeah, competence comes through experience. And how are you experienced when you’re straight out of the school world and straight into a job? You’ve got zero experience. But that’s how competency is built, and they need to realise that.
Tom Elliott:
Because the thing I always say is that nothing beats hard work. It is amazing. People say, “Oh, you’re lucky,” or whatever. Hard work beats luck. And even natural ability a lot of the time. Just tuning up and being reliable and doing the things that you are asked to do in whatever the field is. Well, maybe that’s a skill in and of itself. But I think that’s the advice I would give to anybody. Is if you just do that, that will set you well in advance of most other people.
Clare Rowe:
Oh, and the superstars these kids look up to, whether it’s on the sporting field or other very, very successful people in what other area, they weren’t necessarily number one or the best at that thing. But what they did do is they kept showing up. They kept showing up time and time again. They didn’t give up and they put in the hard work. And, absolutely, in a culture in a day and age where we talk so much about burnout, which is important, we also need to give young people a message that, yes, I think hard work is good for you. It will build character. It will give you the competency and the confidence will come. And we can do hard things and we can survive, and we can get up tomorrow to do it again.
Tom Elliott:
Yeah. All right. Thank you for your time. Clare Rowe there, child and adolescent psychologist
