I thought I was used to horrifying stories coming out of Canberra, but this month I saw something that’s kept me sleepless ever since. According to the Minerals Council of Australia, more nuclear radiation is emitted out of Parliament House than a nuclear power plant.
Now, my fears here are not for politicians’ safety. Not even close. Look, here’s the thing. If you’re someone who enjoys fine art and culture, you know that exposure to nuclear radiation can only lead to one thing: Superpowers. And that’s what we’re dealing with. Politicians with superpowers.
You thought Australia’s red tape crisis was bad now? Wait until politicians and bureaucrats don’t need to eat, don’t need to sleep, don’t need to even drink water as they pass regulation after regulation, drowning the rest of us in their nuclear-charged thought bubbles. There’s nowhere you can hide, there’s no industry you can work in to escape their omnipotent glare. It will be an entire building of Incredible Hulks in suits and ties endlessly processing paperwork; except a not-awesome version of that.
There’s only one solution, as I see it. And that is for me to start slowly sneaking nuclear radiation into the IPA office. If you work in HR here, please stop reading now. Every Supervillain needs a Superhero, and so every Superlegislator needs a Superthinktank to fight back against it and stand up for Australia. We do great work here, but our human need for sleep and sustenance is a luxury we can no longer afford.
If you think you have what it takes, please flick me an email with a CV and a picture of you with the last radioactive object you have held. The IPA—and your country— needs you.