Spill the Beans

1 August 2016
Spill the Beans - Featured image

Ever wondered why coffee sometimes spills when you walk?

What’s that? You’ve literally wondered that every waking second of your life? The endless pursuit of the truth has left you unemployable and you have found it impossible to maintain human relationships? Well worry no more!

The Pentagon has recently given UCLA researchers US$170,000 to research this issue, and their findings were collated in the University’s magnum opus, ‘Walking with coffee: Why does it spill?’.

Now, that’s a lot of money to spend on a report which basically boils down to ‘because of motion and gravity, you dingus’. But this is the Pentagon we’re talking about…they know what they’re doing.

The cost of the report was all over the press, but no attention was given to the Pentagon’s comments, buried deep at the end of the report.


This complex study into the causes and effects of coffee spillage will advance the Pentagon’s counter-terrorism operations immensely.

Spilling coffee is embarrassing, degrading and leaves the subject insufficiently caffeinated—thus unable to continue operations against the United States. Therefore, we wish to weaponise this report’s findings. Possible designs include:

An Invisible Tripwire special agents can lay in office environments of terrorists. This tripwire only becomes live when it detects coffee in motion nearby. The target will spill the coffee everywhere and be unable to detect the cause, as walking back through the area sans coffee the terrorist will not be impeded.

2) A Fragment Grenade which, when exploding, sends fragments in the direction of Styrofoam cups. There will be coffee everywhere, and the terrorists will have to clean all of it up, completely destroying morale.

3) An Incredibly Large Stick (ILS) that can be held from a US base and pointed through open windows in target buildings to knock over unprotected cups of coffee. While there is no doubt the ILS will achieve the intended frustration of spilt coffee, the overall effectiveness and logistics of this weapon are still in review.

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