Dear Mr DiCaprio, We would like to invite you to be a Messenger for Peace with the UN. We feel you would be an excellent ambassador for this role for the following reasons:
COMMITMENT TO HUMAN RIGHTS
After watching Blood Diamond, we at the UN headquarters decided your character had gone on enough of an emotional journey with the diamond miner for you to serve as a protector for human rights across the world.
FAMILIARITY WITH LOSING
The UN loses a lot, Mr DiCaprio. We never really achieve our goals. This makes us a lot like Jay Gatsby, because we’re never going to get any closer to what we want unless we fundamentally change ourselves. We feel you’ll have an appreciation of that journey.
COMPETENCE IN RESOLVING INTERNATIONAL CONFLICT
Then we watched Gangs of New York. After seeing your character navigate the ethnic tensions of New York City during World War I, we knew that you would be exceptionally helpful in being a Messenger for Peace wherever and whenever international conflict may arise.
We don’t know what your role will be, but you can start immediately and with a considerable pay packet.
Secretary General of the United Nations