How Not to Collude With Russia

1: ORGANISE A MEETING WITH RUSSIAN OFFICIALS IN YOUR OWN NAME

Donald Trump Jnr organised a meeting with a Russian lawyer with alleged connections with the Kremlin after being promised damaging information about Hillary Clinton. Displaying this kind of carelessness and stupidity is paramount early in the process. Later releasing these emails to the public is risky, but recommended.

2: ACCEPT A HIGH PAYING JOB WITH ONE OF THE TWO MAJOR AMERICAN POLITICAL PARTIES

After collusion, it is extremely important to quickly land an influential political job. Paul Manafort didn’t let shady dealings stop him from accepting the position of Trump’s campaign manager. Chances are if you’ve colluded with Russia you already have one, but immediately send your resume out. You’ll be surprised how many offers you receive from both parties.

3: LIE TO THE FBI

This may seem like the wrong thing to do, but it is a tried and true method most recently allegedly displayed by former foreign policy adviser to Trump’s campaign George Papadopoulos. While this inevitably will make things worse for you, the important thing is that for the time being you’ll be OK.

4: ALLOW THE MEDIA TO PAINT TRUMP AS THE REAL VILLAIN

Managing the media narrative is a very important step in this process. If they are going to paint someone as the true threat to America’s democratic integrity, it might as well be Trump. Paul Manafort’s undeclared income was received when working with the Podesta brothers and not Trump, but look what a highly motivated media is capable of.

5: WHEN IN PRISON, FIND THE BIGGEST, STRONGEST INMATE AND COLLUDE WITH THEM

Since you will absolutely be caught, it is important to develop a prison strategy. You’ve learned a lot of from colluding with bullies through dealing with Russia, this should be easy